today was actually okay overall, especially considering it was my first full day back at work after 10 days off for the freakin blizzard. traffic was horrible and i gave several people the finger (sorry but if you can't drive any better than that u deserve it) during my normal 15 minute commute that ended up taking over an hour for no apparent reason other than stupidity.
but those are just small details really. the big point i want to be honest about today is:
i am getting pretty frustrated with people trying to take advantage of and manipulate me. honestly yes i know what you are doing (well most people at least) and just because i don't snap back or be openly nasty doesn't mean i'm not noticing and remembering it. this is not my personality and i will not stoop to such a low level if i can help it (not saying that i haven't but i try hard not to). i go with it because i don't like conflict (ha suprise right) and quite often i just do not know what to say back to you. usually i am so shocked at what is going on and i just can not see why people act like this. what do you hope to gain by being nasty to someone else? it shouldn't make you feel good - and if it does for more than a short time period then well you're fucked up.
I really love it when then the person who has behaved like this to me then needs or wants something from me and is suddenly shocked because i'm very vague and a little cool toward them. why would i go out of my way to be nice to you now? unless i love you then well i won't be an open hostile bitch (i have better manners than that ha) but i won't be your bff either. ha now if i ever actually love or loved someone (which won't be anyone reading this thankfully lol) well all bets are off for the most part. i'll try but hell i'm not perfect and its precisely that love that makes me feel such hatred so excuse any examples of this you may have to prove me wrong and undignified :)
i do want to make a disclaimer about these statements now - everyone makes mistakes and says things they don't mean or out of frustration etc sometimes. i completely get that and hell i completely do that myself all the time. but what i'm talking about here is different. its calculated and often transparently manipulative. yeah maybe i should be openly hostile and people would get the point, but i do not feel like thats really 'me' either. plus, it makes me feel guilty and i am pretty doubtful of what it would accomplish except me being bitchy and then crabby for the whole day, which is unfair to myself and everyone else around me.
its really late so i should try to go to sleep but dammit i hate sleeping alone. i know most people say they don't sleep well with another person, but those are the mornings i wake up the most rested and alert. and no it isn't just because i'm so tired out after being the best sex of their life (haha joking.... ;) kindof) - it happens regardless of the sex factor. i don't know why and i don't want to psychoanalyze why because its probably not a good thing. yes i have a body pillow but its feathers and so its kinda prickly and its just not the same. i don't miss being with someone much until oh midnight to 1am. so on that note i should probably go try. goodnight
