Well this is one of my new year's resolutions that I have been really putting off doing, but I think it's for the best. Over the past few months I have realized that I am not very good at expressing how I actually feel. Most of you have probably never seen me truly angry or sad, let alone in tears. I'm just not super comfortable really showing any other feelings in public so its just been easier for me to stick with my usual upbeat and bubbly nature. This blog is my new attempt at starting to actually reveal who I am a little more to people.
So here's me coming clean on a few things.
I can count on 1 hand the number of you who know that 2010 was really a pretty shitty year for me. Anyone else who reads this will probably be shocked by that considering how I have acted, but there's the real truth. I was really upset and unhappy for several months and never even hinted at it to most of you. Things have improved a lot for me over the past 2 months, so I think I am finally ready to just stop pretending and start actually being honest.
Another hard truth most of you don't know about because I have kept it pretty quiet: I've always jumped from 1 relationship through a few flings to another relationship again. I couldn't really stand to be alone and so I can count on 1 hand the number of months I've spent that way since oh age 15 or so. Yes even when you ask me and I say "oh i'm not really ready to date again so soon" or "oh no one for now", yeah thats bullshit and we both know it now. Sorry about that.
So for once, starting as of this year, I want to really try and focus on myself for a little while. I feel like I lost a little of myself over the past year or so and I'm ready to find it again. So far it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. I'm really not used to being alone so much, physically and mentally. So far it can be a bit lonely and doesn't give me those self esteem boosts, feelings of security, or just the fabulous sex goddess life I got before. But in some ways it is also extrordinarily freeing. I do what I want and when I want to, without thinking about anyone else. It isn't selfish either because I don't need to set aside time for a man or consider where he wants to go, or what he wants to do or eat or say. If you all see me failing at this or have any ideas, please help me out here (gently though okay! this is a lot harder than it sounds like, even to me as i reread this blog.)
on a slightly brighter note, I'm going to name all of my posts with a line from the song that I feel best reflects how I feel that day. I do this on my other more private blog too (message me if you want to be added to the list) and have found that songs are often better at expressing feelings than I am (suprise HA)
