i should start writing here again - this was helpful before...i don't quite know why i stopped. so here we are again...
i saw some of my very oldest friends tonight for the first time in many years. and i smiled and laughed and gave a pretty painting picture of how my life is now. how rosy and sunny and promising and happy everything is.
and sitting there listening to myself i could believe it. and even i was a bit envious of me. i have a promising yet laid back job, promising grad school, am buying a house, have a sweet supporting healthy family...i live in a nice big city and have this and that.
and yet, i know this is only one side of the story. sure i do have all these things and i am grateful for it...i really am. and yet, i miss my friends and my college life. i miss my ex and that life and the idea of how that would be now. i'm trying to let go of all of those things, and i'm working toward it but its still hard. i guess i just overall miss having people i actually want to be around. maybe i should go on saturday....but thats ultra scary too.
i keep getting the suggestion that maybe it is time to say goodbye to this city. a lot of what i loved here is either gone or just isn't the same. but i want to be stronger than running away like pathetic spoiled child when things dont go my way. i can't run away forever. i have to do this. and i can do it.
at least im doing a lot better at setting up boundaries with people. i've been working hard at it and i can tell a difference in my mental well being. i feel a lot calmer and a lot more confident and a lot less worried about others. i guess this is a good thing even if it is a bit self-centered. i will just have to keep working on trying to balance it i think.
hm okay i think thats it for now. and its not a terribly depressing or angry post so yay :)
