bury all your secrets in my skin

i should start writing here again - this was helpful before...i don't quite know why i stopped. so here we are again...


i saw some of my very oldest friends tonight for the first time in many years. and i smiled and laughed and gave a pretty painting picture of how my life is now. how rosy and sunny and promising and happy everything is.

and sitting there listening to myself i could believe it. and even i was a bit envious of me. i have a promising yet laid back job, promising grad school, am buying a house, have a sweet supporting healthy family...i live in a nice big city and have this and that.

and yet, i know this is only one side of the story. sure i do have all these things and i am grateful for it...i really am. and yet, i miss my friends and my college life. i miss my ex and that life and the idea of how that would be now. i'm trying to let go of all of those things, and i'm working toward it but its still hard. i guess i just overall miss having people i actually want to be around. maybe i should go on saturday....but thats ultra scary too.

i keep getting the suggestion that maybe it is time to say goodbye to this city. a lot of what i loved here is either gone or just isn't the same. but i want to be stronger than running away like pathetic spoiled child when things dont go my way. i can't run away forever. i have to do this. and i can do it.

at least im doing a lot better at setting up boundaries with people. i've been working hard at it and i can tell a difference in my mental well being. i feel a lot calmer and a lot more confident and a lot less worried about others. i guess this is a good thing even if it is a bit self-centered. i will just have to keep working on trying to balance it i think.

hm okay i think thats it for now. and its not a terribly depressing or angry post so yay :)

illusion never changed into something real

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjCCJp9BqpE&feature=fvst

I heard this song on the radio on my way home from work today and its been stuck in my head every since.  i look back and relate to it in a lot of ways. too bad this is like her only song lol

in other news not 1 but 2 exes from way back in high school are moving down here. as roommates. and both have sent me messages about this and asking to see me etc. i haven't really spoken to or seen either of them in at least a year? so how odd is this? i guess it could be nice to have some old friends in town, but a little strange too. our lives are very very different now so i am not really sure how much we could really hang out or even talk about these days. i guess we will see.

otherwise um things are okay i guess. i'm ready to get this house thing handled. im starting to get stressed that i won't get one now :( but my experiments at work are giving really great results so thats a big success for me. unfortunately i keep having the dreams again so i am not sleeping very well. again. i'm ready for this to stop now.  i found some melatonin in an old overnight bag so i am about to take some of that for tonight i guess. lets hope it works because i am very tired.

i'm only up when you're not down

so today wasn't bad at all. i went to work as usual. it went better than a normal monday back. and i cooked a fabulously yummy dinner. and greek came on tonight. and yet i am in an unhappy mood still.

i feel really unappreciated and undervalued lately. by my coworkers, friends, and even some family. its in the tone people use with me...telling me when we are going to dinner at this restaurant on thursday at 7 instead of asking me. telling me to autoclave their stuff or buy this from the store instead of asking me. or a call 20 minutes after i was supposed to meet you, if i get one at all, saying that hey you can't make it now but maybe later. all of these things make me feel like people really don't respect me. or take the time to consider my feelings. i know i am a little hypersensitive to hurting others' feelings but that makes it even more frustrating for me. i know i need to start getting comfortable actually calling people out on it. i've started trying this slowly with people i feel safer around which is kindof ironic since they have all seemed so taken aback like i have hurt their feelings by setting this new boundary. this was of course not been my intention and thus makes me feel guilty on top of the frustration. so its like i can't win for losing on this issue so far. any suggestions?

oh and also guesses for this song? since no one can seem to guess the past ones here's a hint: it's by taylor swift <3

bad company i can't deny

so apparently i am a bad influence? hahaha yeah i find it funny too.

especially once i go over all of the people i have hung out with in the past week....
and i am the most stable overall. and no thats not necessarily a compliment OR an insult if i saw you this week so don't read into it :) of course maybe this is one of those things where i think i'm the normal one just like people in psych wards do...who knows. either way i still find it amusing since i've always been told that at the first impression i seem so angelic and innocent.

in other news i spent the weekend just going out and having fun. oh and i did some shopping as well on sunday haha of course :) saw the new movie 'no strings attached'. it was amusing and a little more realistic than a typical romantic comedy, but not a whole lot. so not terrible for a movie, but not really my type of deal for an extended period of time.

oh and i also need to remember that my liver has been taking it easy for a super long time so it is making me into a huge lightweight now. im not a big fan of being the first drunk girl at the party so to speak...so i gotta work on that a little bit haha

oops i did it again

well this is enough of the 'angry' posts from me for awhile...even i am sick of it haha :)
this is why i can never win fights lol i can't hold onto annoyance and anger for very long...its just unhealthy and makes me feel emotionally and physically sick so i have to just let it go. or at least put it out of mind.

anyways, today was pretty good actually. i had lunch with an old friend and a mutual coworker today. that was really nice and fun and i really enjoyed myself. i was also like out of the blue contacted by 4 other separate people from my past randomly (none of whom know each other!) so it has been quite an odd day in that respect. at that point i decided hey what the hell and contacted the few people i would like to keep up with that i haven't talked to in awhile too. i have already heard back from 2 too so its like 'blast from the past' week for me hahaha :)

 so the big take-home for this blog from today is...(insert drumroll here)...

i suck at keeping up with people. its not that i forget them, i just get busy and don't make the effort and then its been so long that its awkward and i just lose touch. so if you are friends with me, or just know me, don't take this personally! just contact me and hey i will always reply.

(even if i dont want to really...but thats putting a negative and dark spin on the end of this overall positive post so i will not elaborate more on that one....and will instead name this post after one of my favorite songs from my youth yay)

i toss and turn like the sea

today was actually okay overall, especially considering it was my first full day back at work after 10 days off for the freakin blizzard. traffic was horrible and i gave several people the finger (sorry but if you can't drive any better than that u deserve it) during my normal 15 minute commute that ended up taking over an hour for no apparent reason other than stupidity.

but those are just small details really. the big point i want to be honest about today is:


i am getting pretty frustrated with people trying to take advantage of and manipulate me. honestly yes i know what you are doing (well most people at least) and just because i don't snap back or be openly nasty doesn't mean i'm not noticing and remembering it. this is not my personality and i will not stoop to such a low level if i can help it (not saying that i haven't but i try hard not to). i go with it because i don't like conflict (ha suprise right) and quite often i just do not know what to say back to you. usually i am so shocked at what is going on and i just can not see why people act like this. what do you hope to gain by being nasty to someone else? it shouldn't make you feel good - and if it does for more than a short time period then well you're fucked up.


I really love it when then the person who has behaved like this to me then needs or wants something from me and is suddenly shocked because i'm very vague and a little cool toward them. why would i go out of my way to be nice to you now? unless i love you then well i won't be an open hostile bitch (i have better manners than that ha) but i won't be your bff either. ha now if i ever actually love or loved someone (which won't be anyone reading this thankfully lol) well all bets are off for the most part. i'll try but hell i'm not perfect and its precisely that love that makes me feel such hatred so excuse any examples of this you may have to prove me wrong and undignified :)


i do want to make a disclaimer about these statements now - everyone makes mistakes and says things they don't mean or out of frustration etc sometimes. i completely get that and hell i completely do that myself all the time. but what i'm talking about here is different. its calculated and often transparently manipulative. yeah maybe i should be openly hostile and people would get the point, but i do not feel like thats really 'me' either. plus, it makes me feel guilty and i am pretty doubtful of what it would accomplish except me being bitchy and then crabby for the whole day, which is unfair to myself and everyone else around me.


its really late so i should try to go to sleep but dammit i hate sleeping alone. i know most people say they don't sleep well with another person, but those are the mornings i wake up the most rested and alert. and no it isn't just because i'm so tired out after being the best sex of their life (haha joking.... ;) kindof) - it happens regardless of the sex factor. i don't know why and i don't want to psychoanalyze why because its probably not a good thing. yes i have a body pillow but its feathers and so its kinda prickly and its just not the same. i don't miss being with someone much until oh midnight to 1am. so on that note i should probably go try. goodnight

her nerves are shot and she starts to rot from the inside out

Well this is one of my new year's resolutions that I have been really putting off doing, but I think it's for the best. Over the past few months I have realized that I am not very good at expressing how I actually feel. Most of you have probably never seen me truly angry or sad, let alone in tears. I'm just not super comfortable really showing any other feelings in public so its just been easier for me to stick with my usual upbeat and bubbly nature.  This blog is my new attempt at starting to actually reveal who I am a little more to people.

So here's me coming clean on a few things.

I can count on 1 hand the number of you who know that 2010 was really a pretty shitty year for me. Anyone else who reads this will probably be shocked by that considering how I have acted, but there's the real truth. I was really upset and unhappy for several months and never even hinted at it to most of you. Things have improved a lot for me over the past 2 months, so I think I am finally ready to just stop pretending and start actually being honest.

Another hard truth most of you don't know about because I have kept it pretty quiet: I've always jumped from 1 relationship through a few flings to another relationship again. I couldn't really stand to be alone and so I can count on 1 hand the number of months I've spent that way since oh age 15 or so. Yes even when you ask me and I say "oh i'm not really ready to date again so soon" or "oh no one for now", yeah thats bullshit and we both know it now. Sorry about that.

So for once, starting as of this year, I want to really try and focus on myself for a little while. I feel like I lost a little of myself over the past year or so and I'm ready to find it again. So far it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. I'm really not used to being alone so much, physically and mentally. So far it can be a bit lonely and doesn't give me those self esteem boosts, feelings of security, or just the fabulous sex goddess life I got before. But in some ways it is also extrordinarily freeing. I do what I want and when I want to, without thinking about anyone else. It isn't selfish either because I don't need to set aside time for a man or consider where he wants to go, or what he wants to do or eat or say. If you all see me failing at this or have any ideas, please help me out here (gently though okay! this is a lot harder than it sounds like, even to me as i reread this blog.)

on a slightly brighter note, I'm going to name all of my posts with a line from the song that I feel best reflects how I feel that day. I do this on my other more private blog too (message me if you want to be added to the list) and have found that songs are often better at expressing feelings than I am (suprise HA)